Thoughts

This morning my sister asked me why I was so sad all the time and I couldn't answer with out crying  because I seem to ask myself  the same question

Right now I'm thinking about how I spent most of my weekends in senior year in my basement than I did out with friends

Right now I'm dreaming about being back in New York exploring new bakeries

Right now I'm thinking about how I've lost who I used to be and I don't know how to find myself again

I'm writing ting this in my basement hiding from my dad because I'm not supposed to use my phone on Sunday's #rebel

Right now I'm trying to decide what outfit I should wear for my senior pictures tomorrow

Right now I'm thinking about if I'll ever get my first kiss

Right now I'm thinking about how I'm probably not going to pass the AP psychology test and it's the easiest one

Right now I'm thinking about how much I love my grandma and how deeply she cares for me

Unforgettable memories

I remember when I was little my mom used to be able to run only when she was pushing a shopping cart but now she can't seem to walk unless she has somthing to hold on to, I remember when I used to be able to come home to count on her to make me laugh. My mom was diagnosed with MS, and scoliosis 19 years ago, then with major depression and anxiety 5 years later. this has been my life me constantly worrying about her hoping that she will be okay wondering if she will be able to walk around the grocery store by her self . Sometimes I sacrifice my weekend plans to make sure that she is happy and doing okay. My biggest fear is moving out because I'm scared that no one will be able to take good care of her and make her happy. This isnt something a teenage girl should be worrying about, but this is my life and this is my story and this is helped me become who I am.

One day

Maybe my souls all right, but my body's all wrong
Or maybe it's the other way around
Maybe neither is really all right.

My body is so tired of my soul caring so much about what is looks like
Maybe my soul is sick of listening to my body it just wants to run free
Maybe my soul would of been to the stars and back if my body didn't stop it
Maybe my soul has always been too much of a dreamer for my body
Maybe one day it will all be all right
Maybe one day my body will be good enough for my soul

A list of things to be happy about

Inspired by Barbara Ann Kipfer (author of 1400 things to be happy about)
Waking up to the sounds of birds chirping
Things that come easy
Having someone to miss
Shaped Mac and cheese
Little kids at swimming pools
Palm trees
Going out to breakfast
Laying out in the sun
Smell of grandmas apple crisp
Hot tub conversations
Perfectly sharpend pencil
New places
Boys dressed up in a dark blue suit with a skinny tie
Soft blankets
Three day weekends
When the song you want comes on in Spotify
Easter candy
Playing cards with my grandparents
The smell of bakeries
When someone can't stop telling you how beautiful you are
Simple beautiful things
Letting the water from a hot shower run down your face
Watching rain storms on the porch wrapped up in a blanket
Plastic water bottles
Sound of rain hitting the window
Road trips & road trip snacks
Spring
Green smoothies
Long weekend vacations
When a teacher shares a story from their passed life
Not listening to a song in forever but still knowing the lyrics
Making breakfast
Delivering cookies
Brooklyn Jensen
Old Justin believer music
Being content with being yourself
Sleeping in
Doing things for yourself
Cats in monkey suits
Remembering the power of your voice
Snowy pine trees
Snow shoeing
The moon and the stars
Little kids getting excited to see you
Hand written notes
Planning vacations
The love my grandma has for everyone
Chirping crickets
People who are wierd and don't care
High school dances
New people
That feeling after a good workout
Summer barbecues
Singing in the shower
Packing for trips
Advice from others
Gentleman
BYU basketball
Getting in the Jumbotron
Milkshakes
Car dance parties
Being able to remember your dream when you wake up
Ice cold water
Cookie ice cream sandwiches
Finding somthing after it's been lost
Dressing up fancy
Hotel breakfasts
Reece's peanut butter eggs
His smile
Weddings
Couples perfectly meant to be together
Catching the bouquet at a wedding
Kind genuine people
Airports
McDonalds breakfast
Tavel journals
Sunsets on the beach
Old people trying to figure out Instrgam
Zip lines
Being unable to understand people because they speak a different language
Souvenir shops
Food from other cultures
Ice cream bars
Bakeries
Laughing at your own jokes
Jellyfish
Taco bars with swings
Tanning
The phrase " pura vida"
Brother in laws
Mud fights
Graduations
Spontaneous people
Star gazing in the back of a truck
Deep talks
Girls camp
Paige Smalley
New school clothes
The last day of school
Thinking of the future
Nelson
Lake Powell
Old music
My mom
Lying in the grass on a cool summer night
Smiling
Laziness
Home videos
Fresh fruit
Camping
Early mornings
The end of good thing meaning the begging of better

Project #2 - Homemade French Macaroons

For my second project i decided to make French Macaroons (one of the hardest cookies to make), here is the process! they turned out so great!

Step 1- assembling all the ingredients 

Step 2- beating the egg whites until stiff 

Step 3- folding in the dry ingredients and food coloring 

Step 4- piping the batter out on to cookie sheets 

Step 5- out of the oven and cooling

Step 6- fill with almond butter cream

look at how perfect they turned out, it makes my heart so happy!

song mash-ups

I want to fall in love

i'd  like to believe in love
but I've never felt what its like
i'd imagine love to be sleepless nights lying in bed  because you don't need to dream anymore
its forehead kisses & 4 hour calls talking about nothing
i
its laughing together
crying together
being together
never wanting to leave that person
and knowing everything about them
love is the person that you want to tell the good news to

its wanting to be better

its knowing someone more than you know yourself



love is picnics and cookie dough fights
love is dancing in the kitchen
its tight hugs and surprise bouquets of your favorite flowers

and finally realizing what its like to care for someone more that you care for yourself

love is what makes life worth living.

sofar sounds- Rise Up

Project #1- Combined poem with Paige

 My name is Andrea and if you really knew me you would know that I absolutely hate it 

I was born on the sixth.

And you would know that I'm a little bit awkward and can't keep a conversation going 

                                                                       

and I'm often found in my room        

  
You would know why I get emotional when talk about my mom  

   I've never been fond of growing up

and I'm afraid that everyone will leave.                                            

 If you really knew me than you would  know that I haven't had my first kiss yet

I work at Hobby Lobby

and I'm terrible at goodbyes.

 you would know that I still haven't been able get over that same boy that didn't even treat me right  

I cry too often to be taken seriously

I've never been in love

but have somehow fallen out of it more than once.

                                                                                                       

                                   I'm self-conscious of my weight and really good at comparisons.

                                            I'm too obsessed my weight and I know that's not healthy 

 If you really knew me you would know that I'm too scared to be myself 

I love the smell of rain

and the way the sky seems to be painted just for me

that I'm a girl with a big smile and  big heart but a small self esteem

I love to drive with my arm out the window

and I sing at the top of lungs

 but only when I'm alone.                                                            

                                                                                                                       

 and im a sucker for boys with nice smiles and blonde hair

I'm often unsure of what to do

and I wish I wouldn't let people hurt me in the way they do

If you really knew me you would know that I I'm still trying to find the "fun" part of high school, but some how don't want it to end 

My lungs rarely fill to capacity

and I run out of breath far too often.

 if you really knew me you would know that i  hate feet & im really bad at making decisions

                                                      Hi.  my name is Andie/ Paige                                                                                            

  im a lover of cheese & the outdoors

I love the sound of my grandmother's voice. 

I have a dream to own a bakery

She's still trying to find who she is

She hates the sound of ticking clocks 

Sometimes we don't see each other enough. 

 Sometimes I forget she's there

But she was the first one I called when he kissed me. 

  And whenever I need her she's there for me 

So we'll grow up

                                                                                                   

  And live apart 

                                                                                      

                                                                                                       

                                               But she will Always be part of me, 

                                my name is Andie/ Paige and I was born on the 6th/19th

Revive

Hi my name is Andie, you might know me as June. 

I like the simple things in life like Sunday nights with family and dancing in my car 

I've never really been good at school because most the time I don't really care 

 maybe because I think there are more important things in life like finding things that really make you happy & baking cakes 

I feel too much and don't express my feelings enough 

 I can't remember the last time I was happy with my friends but I'm to scared to try and make new ones because I'm bad at making conversation

I'm in love with the outdoors and I wish I could spend all my time outside 

I'm a thinker and but not much of a talker 

I'm horrible at dancing but I still love it 

I'm in love with the sky because it's the only thing that understands my heart 

Hi my name is Andie it's nice to meet you

Paris syndrome

i went to Paris for the smell of the pastries and bread.. but I could only smell smoke and urine

i went to Paris to fall in love with a nice French man.. but i only got yelled at by French men

i went to Paris to see the Eiffel tower light up at night and to see all the amazing art.. but they never turned on the lights and the art looked the same as it did on Google

but believe me the Eiffel tower was beautiful and the pastries were amazing, but Paris just wasn’t what i was expecting it to be. But somehow i still fell in love...

it was the way the streets were lit up at night

and how everyone wasn’t afraid to express there feelings

it made me believe in love even though I’ve never felt it

it was like a piece of artwork that came to life

Paris wasn’t what i expected, and it had some disappointments but that’s what made me fall in love.

alright, here it is

My name is actually Andrea and if you really knew me you would know that I absolutely hate it 

 And you would know that I'm a little bit awkward and can't keep a conversation going 

You would know why I get emotional when I talk about my mom  

If you really knew me than you would know that I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I'm still afraid of talking to boys 

you would know that I still haven't been able to get over that same boy that didn't even treat me right  

If you really knew me you would know That I'm too obsessed with my weight and my body size,  I know how many calories are in almost every food.. And I know That's not healthy 

If you really knew me you would know that I'm too scared to be myself 

that I'm a girl with a big smile and a big heart but a small self esteem

          and im a sucker for boys with nice smiles and blonde hair

If you really knew me you would know that I I'm still trying to find the "fun" part of high school, but some how don't want it to end  because it haunts me that  I have to take care of myself 

         if you really knew me you would know that i hate feet & im really bad at making decisions

          

         you would know that im a lover of cheese & the outdoors

         you would know that i have a dream to have my own bakery

         if you really knew me you would know that im still trying to find who i am

        you would know that i can get really angry & impaitent 

       and baths and classical music are the only things that clam me down

  

      if you really knew me you would know that im really wierd and im okay with it. 

      if you really knew me than you would know that there is more to me than just a girl with a good         smile.

     


     

unforgotten memories

I remember sitting under my willow tree on a forest green table

 when life was simpler and happiness was easier to find,

      

 I remember the day when I met my best friend.

We were wearing the same shirt

I remember the smell of the hotel we stayed at in Florida

& the taste of the Pina colada in Jamaica

                                                          

 I remember the rush that I felt the first time we held hands

    & the heaviness i felt from that last text you sent

And I'll always remember you because no one forgets there first love

Blackout

This is who I really am...

I’d rather spend my Friday nights with my family, then at a high school football game

My mom and sisters are my best friends

I love card and board games

I listen to 80s music and Taylor swift  

I like the snow even after Christmas

And I love tradition

I have a want to always be outside doing something adventurous

I want to travel the world and see every part of it

I want to be an elementary school teacher

And I love little kids more than most people

Cooking a baking are my passion, and I’ve always been scared to show it

And I’m sorry because I’m one of those fake people you hate

I’m just scared to show who I really am

I’m weird

I’m not popular incredibly smart or talented

I get angry easily, I have OCD, and get stressed over stupid simple things

I don’t have a way with words

I have a hard time saying what’s on my mind and expressing my feelings

I’m incredibly awkward and can’t seem to have any conversation but simple talk.

But these things, they make me who I am

They make me…

Andie Longson

Music for the heart

Music ignites my soul with fire when I've forgotten how to feel

it speaks words my heart cant say

it shows me what its like to be in love, even though I've never been

its my guide to survival

it fills me with bliss when i'm bleak 

and soothes my soul when its raging 

music is the beat of my heart, the thunder in my head, the words that I've left unsaid, with out it id be dead.

Missing heart

My heart used to be full of joy, hope, and perfect endings 

But now it seems to be getting smaller slowly breaking off piece by piece..
by disappointment 

Should of beens 

& every thought of you.

Now all that seems to be left is my soul asking me where my heart has gone. 

And all I can say is it's been broken too many times I've lost all the pieces to it. 

a survival guide for life

now i know you might think that this is going to tell you how to live and be healthy so you can survive and live as long as possible.  But i'm not, i'm going to tell you how to survive life, loneliness heartache heartbreak and depression. 

step 1- find music that makes you happy, not music that's on the radio not music that your friends like. Music that YOU like. 

step 2- find your comfort food and eat it . ( like pizza, cookie dough, ice cream, chocolate milk, sponge bob mac and cheese ) because you're gonna need it a lot

step 3- make a Netflix account and watch Friends, One tree hill, and How I met your mother 

step 4- repeat step 3 and add step 2

step 5- find someone that makes you happy (pets and stuffed animals work) and talk to them 

step 6- go for a run, even if you hate running just run as fast as you can so you can feel your heart beat and your lungs burn, that way you can remember you are alive

step 7- BREATHE

step 8- look up sloth gifs, they will make you laugh

step 9- remember you are strong, and your life isn't as bad as you sometimes think

repeat 

Beating heart

Being alive is my heart beating in my chest so fast that it hurts 

Being alive is dancing in the rain feeling the rain drop on my skin running slowly and my body shivering fast 

Being alive is the moment right before I held hands with a boy for the first time. That feeling of my heart beating out of my chest 

Maybe  all we need to feel alive is to make our heart pump a little faster so we can feel it. Because sometimes we forget it's there.

brick wall

an enormous wall stacked up high

 with cold hard bricks divides me

 from who i really am, from who i want to be

I’ve tried knocking it down

I’ve tried climbing over it

but it seems to tall, to strong

and every day it gets higher and stronger

 and

       im

          just

               too

                     small.